Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
