why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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