I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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