When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
