What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
