so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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