Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
