Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
