Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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