So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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