Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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