The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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