Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize