Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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