Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
