the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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