God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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