I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
