i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
