So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
