a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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