I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
