We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
