sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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