I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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