did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize