I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
