It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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