the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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