I met the friendliest cop last night
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
