i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
home. puking in laundry basket.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
