Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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