if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
