I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
