it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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