The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I am naked and annoyed.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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