Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
