Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
