Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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