seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
