Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
COCAINE IS GR8
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
