just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
