I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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