apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
