Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
