my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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