My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just want nice things and good sex
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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