I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
