sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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