Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
