I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
