Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
