dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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