I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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