Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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