yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize