He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
