Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
