I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
