Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
