he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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